Here are a few letters to Santa written by moms:
By Veronica
Dear Santa,
I know I’m not supposed to complain. This whole gift-giving thing is great, really. It teaches my children generosity and gratitude, it’s magical, spirit of Christmas, blah, blah, blah. I get it. I really do.
But could I just have a moment to discuss a gift that is becoming a problem? I realize that not all our gifts come from you. I know that. But as CEO of the entire Christmas-gift-giving operation, could you circulate a memo for me?
The Mitchells have enough chairs.
In fact, we’re full to brimming. Every time a doting relative passes a garage sale or toy store or possibly Big Lots, they are drawn to those cute little child-sized chairs. Their minds fill with visions of our sweet bairns nestled into a tiny rocker or easy chair, quietly reading a book. It’s a sweet picture, I admit. I’ve seen paintings like that. I have not actually seen my children do it for more than two milliseconds, but I understand the charm of the picture.
The thing is, at this point my children have received child-sized furniture from two grandmothers, four aunts and an uncle. Bean bag chairs, lawn chairs, wooden benches, rocking chairs and even one picnic table. I currently have pint-sized seating for fifteen. I only have four kids.
And they never sit down.
Santa, our house is that big. It’s getting hard to find space for all these chairs. They get shuffled around a lot, and I’m always tripping over one or another. So if you think of it this year, I would really appreciate it if you could find a gift a little more suited to my children’s habits and energy level.
Like maybe a child-sized hamster wheel. And if you could hook it up to a generator, our heating bills would be a lot smaller this winter.
Sincerely,
Veronica Mitchell
We also have the too many chairs problem. But if I took away the chairs what would the boys be able to blast off of?
Dear Santa:
I’ve been a good Mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than the doctor has, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter’s girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,”yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, “don’t eat in the living room” and “take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don’t forget the PlayDoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws’ house seem just like mine. If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don’t mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn’t look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don’t catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always…Mom
P.S. One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.
This is an excerpt from nationally syndicated columnist Debbie Farmer’s book LIFE IN THE FAST FOOD LANE.
I need that fridge. And the Tibetan monks.